New Research Proves Republicans Right BY K. GARNETT ROGERS August 01, 2005 11:08 AM EDT PHILADELPHIA--Researcher Dr. Phillips Glaxco-Welcome of the UCLA-Harvard Psychiatric Research Center has announced that research he has conducted over the last two years proves Republicans' claims about societal influences making people choose to become gay. Dr. Glaxco-Welcome has closely studied children, teens and adults subjected to various media influences and programs and carefully monitored the results. "All the test subjects were non-homosexual at the beginning of the research," Dr. Glaxco-Welcome said. "This was established by a rigorous set of tests designed to validate non-homosexual or pro-homosexual inclinations, preferences and behaviors. We wanted no homosexuals at the beginning of the tests. Yet after the two years of study, fully 97 percent of the test subjects stated they had chosen to become homosexual. And every one of them said that it was entirely a matter of choice, and it was entirely based upon what they viewed." What the subjects viewed was a number of television shows, primarily "Spongebob Squarepants" and "The Teletubbies." Susan (not her real name) was presented as a typical subject. "It was weird," she said. "Something about Spongebob, his friends and his lifestyle just seemed so gay. But it also seemed kind of fun. After several episodes, I just turned to the closest woman I could find and kissed her on the lips. We had sex an hour later." Susan's ex-fiancée is enraged. "Now she's a fag," the ex-boyfriend declared. "And she isn't a Republican anymore either. She just doesn't look at Bush the same way." Test subjects also viewed the "Teletubbies" on a regular basis. "They made me want to live with other boys and play girly games," said Steve (not his real name). "Before I watched all those [Teletubbies] shows I used to steal my friend's sister's underwear and masturbate into them. But now I'd rather do it into my friend's underwear." "It's all clear proof that Republicans know what's right and what's wrong," Dr. Glaxco-Welcome stated. "And I'm not a Republican myself. At least not since I conducted the experiment." Some people have dismissed Glaxco-Welcome's findings. "Look at the guy," said a fellow researcher at the UCLA-Harvard Center who asked not to be identified. "He comes into work every day wearing purple pajamas and carrying a red purse. Go figure." In his own defense, Glaxco-Welcome responded, "What I wear is not important. And besides, the research had nothing to do with it. Before I viewed all the 'Teletubbies' episodes I wore the same outfit, but just in the privacy of my home." Blessed with a gift for email repartee and country-western music, K. GARNETT ROGERS lives, writes, and teaches in Southern California. Miscellany Home

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