Meet Chris (cont.)
I would categorize much of Chris's writings as vocally, almost proudly, homophobic, and from class discussions, journal writings, and essays, I began to understand Chris as someone who was actively and aggressively constructing his ethos as a "real man," a construction that required homophobia as a component. From what I can tell, Chris didn't see being a "homophobe" as any character flaw at all. In fact, his first essay explains why, as he says, he has "always hated homosexuals." Among his litany of reasons are the following:
Chris's response to homosexuality is not merely "personal," but deeply rooted in context and the social structures that have supported his growth as a "man." What he seems to be saying, as well, is that the definitions of (male) homosexuals he knows call his sexuality and subjectivity into question, giving him a nauseating feeling. I'm reminded here of the way that Julia Kristeva has defined the abject, that which we must reject in a visceral way from our bodies. The metaphorical conflation of "two men lying up in bed with one another" and nausea points to the way Chris conceives of homosexuality: it is something that should be ejected from the (psychoanalytic, whole) self. For him, women play a fairly traditional role in this situation: they fix the problems of men, where the problem here is homosexuality. After all, he knows there are enough women in the world for homosexuals to have one, so the answer isn't access.
Yet Chris's performances are far more complex than many teachers might want to assume. Near the end of his first essay, he writes about his best friend from high school, "Jimmy Wayne," who had come out to Chris soon after their high school graduation. According to Chris, Jimmy Wayne's coming out caused his parents "to worry, lose sleep, and cause many health problems as well." Chris writes,
I mean, he did not come out and tell me this until we had graduated from high school. When he told me this I almost lost my mind in a way that my homeboy was interested in men and kept it from me. At first I was pissed off with him, but I learned to live with it although, it is very hard. Things are different because I am now trying to live right; therefore, I hang out with the people who are trying to live right. The main reason he kept it a secret was because he was on the basketball team. I believe it was the major conflict in his life. A sense of belonging he will never feel as long as he lives. He will always be able to count on me in the time of need, but we will never bee as close as we use to. I told him he was living a foul life and there is no place on earth that accepts homosexuals.
These reasons come from Chris's first response of the semester, which turned into the majority of his first revised essay, a text Chris titled "Against Homosexuality." Throughout this response, Chris never indicates that he conceives of (defines) homosexuals as anything other than male, although the fourth reason above becomes even more richly figured if we could see his assertion as claiming both male and female homosexuals "disgrace [. . .] all of mankind." Regardless, Chris argues in this first response that his positions on homosexuals/ality comes from his church and his region of the country, which he indicates in a later response is very "unaccepting."
